Being a pastor’s wife is wonderfully rewarding and amazing, but sometimes it is a source of pain. Being a leader does not come without criticism from people. If I am not careful, the criticism of others turns to bitterness in my heart. Today I was reading about hurt and pain in leadership in the book LIfe-Giving Leadership by Julia Matter.
The greatest tactic of the enemy is to get you to stop loving and ministering to others and to retreat to where it is safe… Life giving leaders know that disappointment, conflict, and pain is part of life, and to close our hearts because of the possibility of pain is to close our hearts to life…If we let issues and disappointments sit and fester in our souls, they will be harder to deal with later. Emotional anger not dealt with will lead to sinful bitterness. Remember, no matter our circumstances, the state of our hearts will determine the direction of our lives and our leadership. We need to guard our hearts. Julia Matter, Life-Giving Leadership
As I read these words this morning, I couldn’t help but think about the ivy growing along the side of our house. We have lived in our home for five years now, and that ivy has been the bane of my existence. From April to November, every few weeks, I have to go and spend time trying to get the ivy off the brick. It is ridiculously hard to pull it off the brick. I break my nails, get scratched, and all dirty trying to get it off. If I finally do get it off, it leaves ugly white marks on the brick. I do all this work, knowing that in just a few weeks or months, I will have to go through all that work again. I hate ivy!
I think that bitterness in my life is just like that ivy. It is so easy to not think about it or even pay attention to it. Until one day, i notice that it has almost taken over the side of our house, and I now have to go and deal with it. Bitterness is just like that. I don’t even notice I have a problem with it. Then one day, I realize it has wrapped itself around my heart, strangling my desire for God and His Word, and stealing my joy. I have to then begin the hard work of getting to the base of my bitterness and ripping it out. But in the process, it leaves scars on my heart. And it never really disappears. It lies just below the surface, ready to grow back at any time if I allow it to, and put a stranglehold on me once again. God’s Word addresses this problem:
Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled; Hebrews 12:15
Bitterness is a root that can grow deep into the being of who I am, and it is desperately hard to get rid of. The most troubling part of this verse is that many people are defiled by it. Webster’s dictionary defines defiled as made dirty, or foul; polluted; soiled; corrupted; violated. Bitterness in my life pollutes and corrupts other people. Not good! I don’t want my husband and kids corrupted because of my bitterness. Nor do I want my extended family, friends, and ladies in my church affected by my bitterness. So what should I do?
How to Handle Bitterness
- Be on the lookout for bitterness. Just like my ivy, if I can catch the bitterness early, it won’t take over my heart. Every time I get hurt by someone, or criticized, it has the power to turn into bitterness in my life.
- Deal with the hurt and criticism to keep it from developing into full-blown bitterness. For me, this means talking to Matt about it. Hashing through it. Is there any truth in the criticism? Is the person criticizing me credible? What do I need to change?
- Ask the Lord for the grace to deal with the hurt. I continually bring it to the Lord in prayer until it is no longer at the forefront of my mind. I talk to the Lord about it. How that person hurt me, how they criticized me, how they don’t understand me… The great thing about talking to the Lord is that He is not going to text anyone with what I share with Him. He is not going to post it on Facebook. I don’t have to worry about someone overhearing me.
- Pray for the person or situation that has hurt me. In my case, usually it is people who hurt me, but sometimes it is a circumstance that is out of my control that hurts me. Either way, the hardest thing to do is to pray for the person that has hurt me. However, if I can do this, it will begin to heal my hurt heart and drive the bitterness away.
- Reach out to someone who needs encouragement. If I can focus on someone else’s problems, it helps to get the focus off of me and my hurt. When I don’t constantly dwell on my hurt, bitterness doesn’t have the power to put a stranglehold on me.
I have literally spent years of my life being controlled by bitterness, and it is not fun. Here’s the deal– I am a pastor’s wife. I am in a position of authority. I will be criticized. I will be hurt by people. It just is “gonna happen.” I can’t control that people will hurt me, but I can control how I handle it. How I choose to deal with hurt will determine the quality of my leadership.
Latest posts by Amanda Manney (see all)
- Wrestling God for Control - May 17, 2024
- What Are You Giving Your Best Hours To? - May 10, 2024
- Adapting and Growing Stronger Through Storms - May 3, 2024