In the writing process

Being Hurt By God

What do you do when something bad happens that is out of your control? How do you respond? I know we like to throw Romans 8:28 around a lot as Christians.

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. I love this verse, and this verse has comforted my heart on many occasions. But sometimes I hear it tossed around too much. Sometimes something happens that hurts us so deeply, and then somebody comes along and says, “It’s ok. It’s all going to work out for good, sweetie. Just hang in there.” And then you feel like punching them. Well, maybe I’m the only one that feels that way. Sometimes, though, life just hits you, and you can’t see how in the world it’s all going to work out. There are no words that help to comfort you.

What makes the problem an even bigger problem is when you feel the hurt is directly from God Himself. Have you ever been there? Maybe it was something you prayed for that didn’t happen. Maybe something happened in your life that you feel God could have stopped, but didn’t.

A Peek Inside My Book

We all deal with tests and trials in our lives, but I think the hardest ones are the ones when we feel like God is against us. It’s the hidden pain we carry– those trials that are too painful and too personal to share with anyone else. For the last six years, I have felt this way. So much so, that I am writing a book about it entitled The Hidden Pain. Here’s a quick peek from one of the chapters.

Boom! I sat up straight in my bed, my heart thudding in my chest. I didn’t know what had woken me up, but I knew some kind of explosion had. I didn’t know what time it was, but it was some time in the middle of the night. I couldn’t find my voice because of the fear coursing through my body. Before I could wake Matt, I heard banging on the front door. This startled me into action. “Matt, wake up. Something’s wrong. Someone’s banging on the front door.”

Matt was out of bed faster than I. He quickly walked out the door of our bedroom and into the hallway leading to the kids’ room. I pushed aside my covers and crawled out of bed behind him. As I entered the kids’ room, my eyes were drawn to the eerie glow coming from the kids’ window.

Just as noticed it, Matt said, “Bob and Debbie’s house is on fire!” (our neighbors.) A second later, he looked out the window and said, “No, it’s our van. Our van is on fire!”

Those few words pulled me out of the daze I was in and propelled me into action.

“Malachi and Madison, get out of bed now! There’s a fire!” Malachi and Madison woke up and jumped out of bed and started down the stairs towards the front door. I grabbed our little girl out of her crib and flew down the stairs behind Malachi and Madison. Matt had dressed lightning fast and was following us down the stairs to the front door where someone was still banging.

I opened the front door and instantly saw the police officer who had been banging on our door. Beyond him was a confusing mass of neighbors all yelling and shouting advice at the same time. The blast of heat hit me the second I stepped out of the house onto the front porch. Stunned for just a second, I glanced over at our van. Our van was completely engulfed in flames. Flames were shooting high into the sky. “Is everybody out of the house?” the officer asked. “Yes,” I weakly managed. Without looking back at the van, I sped down the steps with the kids and followed one of our neighbors to the safety of her home. Another of our neighbors took Maggie from my arms and carried her for me. He told Matt to stay and he would see to it that the kids and I would be safe.

As I walked away from our home and our burning van in my pajamas, I was in shock. I kept asking God to help the firefighters to get there fast. I begged Him to help the van not to explode. I prayed for him to keep my husband, the police officer, and our other neighbors safe. I understood the gravity of the situation. I knew that the fire was too close to our house, and that it was just a mere few feet from our electrical box.

I walked into the neighbor’s house. The lady brought us over to the couch to sit down. With a promise to keep me updated, the man turned and left to go back and see if he could do anything to help. The sweet neighbor lady put on cartoons for my kids to watch. Nobody said a word. My kids didn’t ask any questions. I was glad because I didn’t have any answers for them. I put a hand on my pregnant belly to reassure myself that our baby girl was ok. I kept listening, but still didn’t hear sirens. I couldn’t look out the window because of the fear I felt…

And an excerpt from later in the book…

This is painful. I feel so broken. I feel that God just keeps hammering away at me. But I choose to believe He has a plan. I know He’s trying to get rid of that anger that so often rears itself in this Mama, He is trying to eradicate the pride that stands out so strongly in my life, He is trying to build a boldness for Him in this introverted person, He is working to toughen me up a little bit—so that I am not so sensitive to every little thing people say or do. He has so much work to do in me! Sometimes it’s so discouraging. The only consolation I have is this—because the tests and trials keep coming, He hasn’t given up on me. He believes I am valuable to Him and to His work; He just needs to develop me more. So I wait and allow God to keep working. To keep changing me. To keep testing and trying me. To keep transforming me. Because He values the trying of my faith more valuable than gold.

I Peter 1:7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:

I am excited about this book and can’t wait to finish it and share it with you!